[DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY AN AUTHOR WHO, AS A CONDITION OF HIS MASTERS FROM SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY, HAS SWORN AN OATH TO HATE GEORGETOWN BASKETBALL AND THEIR STUPID FANS FOR LIFE.]
“Two Hoyas once were trying to land a small plane on a runway. Both of them kept remarking on how short the runway was, then barely landed the plane.
‘Wow, that was a close call. I’ve never seen such a short runway,’ said the one Hoya. And the other one said, ‘Yeah, but it sure is wide.””
Storming the Court…
No one was more thrilled than I was to hear Osama bin Laden was killed on 2 May 2012 in Abbottabad, Pakistan. But I was a little embarrassed when I turned on the television to live coverage of dumbass college students (no doubt mostly Hoyas) who were in elementary school on 9/11 chanting USA! USA! USA! like a pack of callow dolts. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “those idiots just don’t get it.”
It is my correct opinion that our culture has pretty much deteriorated like a toilet paper in a septic tank compared to my grandfather’s generation. There are so many American traditions we insist on misunderstanding and trivializing…performing the Star Spangled Banner, making Bourbon, and more recently, the American as apple pie tradition of storming the court.
Until recently, storming the court has been reserved for the unlikeliest of upsets and the finest of finales. This year, however, court storming has been reduced to a passe ritual performed several times a week by America’s best and brightest.
Amazingly…in a year when storming the court is more ridiculously omnipresent on college campuses than Uggs, the Georgetown Hoyas moved into the top spot on my list of bizarre court stormings in 2012/13 NCAA Division 1 Basketball when their fans rushed the floor after the number #5 ranked Hoyas routed the #17 ranked Syracuse Orange(men) last Saturday. In light of this embarrassing failure to “get it,” I have decided to re-publish a few generally accepted guidelines for court storming:
Don’t rush the court if athletic excellence is the expectation at your school. This includes major athletic departments: Florida, Ohio State, Michigan, Texas, Notre Dame. This includes schools with strong, basketball-specific traditions: North Carolina, Michigan State, UCLA, Indiana etc.
Half-empty: you don’t enjoy that part of the college experience. Half-full: your teams win all the freaking time, you ass.
Don’t rush the court in a rivalry game. Sure, the blood gets hot. Temper it. The degree of celebration afterward is a measure of the wavering and uncertainty that came before it. Don’t give the enemy the satisfaction.
Don’t rush the court if your team is ranked in the top 25. If you’re projected as a top five NCAA seed, you should be able to hang with the No. 1 team at home. It may be an upset. It should not be a surprising one.
Exception No. 1 (Buzzer Beater)
On rare occasions, a court-storming happens organically. No premeditation. The crowd surges forward. It happens the way it was meant to happen. If your team fought back from a huge deficit in the second half and drained a cathartic three to win it at the buzzer, we might relax the aforementioned rules… a bit.
Exception No. 2 (Duke)
Your victory was for America. It was for everyone that has had to stop what they were doing to triple check each spelling of “Krzyzewski” on deadline. Most importantly, storming the court will really, really irritate Mike Krzyzewski. It’s a bonafide lock he will make “the face” and find some contrived whine for the media. Enjoy the spoils.